Everyday with Zeke brings uncertainties. Will he throw a fit when I drop him off at preschool, leaving me with dreaded guilt for the entire day? Will he eat his breakfast of organic steel cut oats (that I paid too much for) or will I have to throw them away? Will bedtime be hell time or hugs and cuddle time? There’s no telling how the minutiae of the day will unfold, but I take comfort in knowing a handful things about being a mother.

1. Phases-there will always be something and you will survive. Your kid will cut teeth and it will be hell for you both. But it ends and you rejoice. Then your kid go on a hunger strike for no apparent reason.  Then he’ll start eating again, but only maple and cinnamon instant oatmeal FOR EVERY MEAL. You will have a reprieve and be fooled into thinking parenting ain’t so hard after all. Enjoy that week because something will happen again. Bedtime issues, pooping issues, hitting issues. Doesn’t matter. There is always something but rest assured, it will pass. Just roll with it as best you can and keep your eyes on the prize: sanity. Yours.

2. You will never sleep the same again. It does get better than it was in the early days (0-18 months) but you will never feel as rested as you did pre-spawn. I remember being able to easily nap for 3 hours on any given afternoon! Ha! Who the hell did I think I was? Now, even if I am so exhausted that my reflexes fail,  I STILL cannot get in a good nap. There are dishes to be done, outgrown clothes to put in a giveaway pile, emails to write, episodes of Sons of Anarchy to catch up on, etc. If I have a spare 3 hours in the day I can’t “waste” them on sleeping.

And nights? I tried the cry it out thing. He cried. I cried, then caved. I tried letting him fall asleep while I lay wide awake next to him, waiting upwards of an hour to make sure his ass was passed out. Didn’t work. A kid can sleep through a tsunami but not his friggin mother moving a 1/2 inch.

Sleep and moms are like old high school sweethearts. We hear about each other through friends and we still think about one another, but it will never be the way it was. Never.

3. Patience, you have way more than you thought you did. And it will be tried beyond belief, day in and day out. Why does it take a kid 10 minutes to get in the dang car? No joke. Zeke has to climb through the back of my station wagon and crawl over the seat before sitting his butt in his booster. He hates getting in the car through the friggin door. I have tried insisting but it just adds more time to the process and really, who the hell cares? So, I am patient and let him do his thang while I look like a crazy person in the parking lot. Kids are so slow and so determined. Relax and wait because you can have patience now or become a mental patient later.

4. Your social life… never mind. You don’t have one. I imagine some people are better at this than I am but boy is it a challenge. Not only do I struggle with finding the time for a social life, I just don’t care as much anymore. Before I had Zeke, I was a social butterfly, going out constantly. I lived for getting dolled up and hitting the bars. Now, when I have time without Zeke I clean the house, go grocery shopping, try to catch up on reading (or Sons of Anarchy) or get in my one day a week workout. I have to force myself to make time for friends without kids. Priorities definitely change. This is one I should spend more energy on but for crying out loud, I’M TIRED. I’m usually fine with my party of one.

5. You cannot control everything. This is a tough pill to swallow (so tough that had I been successful,  I wouldn’t be a mother! HA!). We all have our ideas of what raising a kid will be like. We read the books, listen to friends’ advice, even watch the Supernanny. But when the JoJo’s tricks don’t work for our kid, we’re  baffled. You wanna know why? Because kids are all different and you can’t force shiiite. I tried-for a hot minute- to be a Tiger Mom. There was not a chance in tiger hell my kid would follow those kind of rules. He is simply too strong willed, too much of a fighter. I was killing myself trying to be tough and it just wasn’t working. AND THAT’S OKAY. We both behaved so much better when I stopped trying to control everything he did and accepted his spirit. He’s crazy. I have to roll with it, and I’m okay with that. Crazy runs deep for me 🙂

6. You have never felt love like this. I know it’s cliche but it’s true. And this is coming from someone who never wanted kids. I never felt a particular fondness for them and only wanted to party and help animals. Even during my pregnancy I seriously wondered if I would feel anything for my son. And yet, I loved him the instant his bloody, cheese-covered, alien looking self touched my chest. I blame biology. This love is so deep it is in our DNA. I have to love and protect him so my genes will be carried on. It’s very simple and it’s very amazing. Mess with my kid, there will be a problem. Remember Ellie Nessler, the mother of a boy who was raped at age 11? She killed the rapist, IN COURT. Maybe not the wisest move, but I get it.

Being a mother is like climbing Mount Everest. You work harder than you have ever worked in your life, never knowing if you will make it out alive. You finally get to the summit and realize you can do it! You are strong and powerful and that mountain can suck it! I OWN YOU, you say. And just then, as you are rejoicing in your conquest, someone chucks a snowball at your head, knocking you on your ass and headed face first back to the bottom again.

Eh, it’s worth it. I know that for sure.